


What's in a Name

by cesau



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia, Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: (Shitty) Humor, Corrin is just the worst, Corrinsexuals, Crack, Fates cast is thirsty, Kamui has a bad day, Kamui starts a rock collection, Multi, No actual porn, Non-Consensual Groping, Scarlet has no chill, also a harem, everyone is ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:00:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11434632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cesau/pseuds/cesau
Summary: The Corrinsexuals find a loophole in their curse and attempt to exploit it for all it's worth.





	What's in a Name

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, this is just a really elaborate shitpost.

Scarlet hit the wall of room with a loud thud, breathing heavy, eyes dazed. Right away, Ryoma's mouth was on hers, and she parted her lips willingly to allow his tongue entrance, hungry for the feel of him. His hands found her bare stomach and slid up to her breasts, rough and perfect and she leaned into him for more. His mouth left hers and went instead to the crook of her neck, and she moaned as he sucked at the skin there. Then, with a wicked laugh, she pushed back against him, and they moved toward the bed together in a tangle of wandering hands and hot skin.

He hit the edge of the bed and fell back with a look of surprise that barely showed through his obvious state of abandon. She reveled in the sight of him. He was completely lost to desire, manhood already pressing hard against his smallclothes. She licked her lips in anticipation and leaned over him.

“I've waited far too long for this, princeling,” she whispered, reaching for the waist of his shorts...

...only for her entire body to freeze in place. Fighting down a panic, she tried to make her hand move, but she got no response. A hint of concern appeared on Ryoma's face, and he pushed himself up on his elbows, frowning.

“Is...something wrong?” he panted. He reached for her hand–

And some invisible force _pushed_ her away, sent her flying backward. Her back met the wall for the second time in about as many minutes, and she brought a hand up to her head to dull the ache. She heard Ryoma stagger from the bed and rush to her side, but the moment he tried to touch her, she felt the force come back, moving her away before skin could meet skin. She looked to his face, and all she saw was his growing horror.

“What is this?” he cried. Scarlet looked down at her prone hands, which still refused to obey her command to move.

_“Son of a bitch.”_

* * *

“So that's how it happened for me,” Scarlet said with a shrug. She and the others afflicted with her...condition...met regularly in the mess hall while the others were out. They sat around the corner table now, leveling glares at any unfortunates who happened by. This was a private meeting, invite-only. It was the only way they could vent their many, many frustrations.

“It's like, what the actual fuck?” she continued. “I could've had the _crown prince of Hoshido_ , you guys! I mean, hot guys are a dime a dozen around here, but we had a real connection, like, on an emotional level! We would have been perfect!”

“Forgive me for my lack of sympathy, but you have no idea how much worse it can be,” Gunter said. “Do you have any idea how old I am? Now, imagine spending all of your adult life wondering why some invisible force insists on keeping you from achieving physical intimacy with another person, only to find out it's because you've been designated the love interest for someone a third your age!”

“Weren't you married?” Scarlet asked. A single manly tear rolled down Gunter's cheek and he looked away in shame.

“Why do you think my wife left me?”

“...I mean, I can think of a few reasons. But I guess we can blame it on Corrin, if you want. Wait, so you've _never_...? Hold up, didn't you have _kids?”_

“I got cucked, Scarlet!” Gunter yelled, banging his fists down on the table. “I got cucked hard!”

“Hmm... Yes, I understand completely,” Fuga said calmly. “Be glad, friend Gunter. Your wife, at least, was yours for a time. My love married another man, and then they both died and I found myself saddled with their unfortunate spawn.”

Scarlet winced. “Oh, right, you're that mage-brat's dad, aren't you? Man, that kid...”

“Hayato is, indeed, the worst,” Fuga said. “Adoption was a mistake.”

“Ha! At least you two have experienced _some_ level of passion,” Reina said with a wistful sigh. “Why do you think I got so into fighting? I definitely didn't have this violence kink when I was a girl. But you can only handle so much sexual frustration before you just _snap_...” This, she emphasized with a snap of her fingers, and the others leaned away cautiously.

“Meh, doesn't bother me much,” Izana quipped, waving his hand. “I'm basically just an overgrown child, so it'd be pretty weird if someone wanted to fuck me anyway.”

“And I'm more or less dead inside, so very few things bother me,” Flora said with a serene smile. “Because this is a terrible place and you are all terrible people.”

The six of them pointedly looked to the pair of boots sitting in the corner. Scarlet tilted her head. “Wonder what that guy would've said about all this?”

“It hardly matters,” Yukimura said crossly. “Must you all be so crude? Lady Mikoto would be rolling in her grave if she heard us speaking of her dear child like this. Kamui may not be perfect, but-”

“Who the fuck is Kamui?” Scarlet interrupted.

Reina rolled her eyes. “It's what Corrin was called in Hoshido. You know, before the whole kidnapping thing. We forgive you, by the way.”

“What are you looking at me for? I'm Chevois, not Nohrian. Totally different things!”

“Two names for the same thing, as far as I'm concerned,” Reina said with a shrug.

Scarlet huffed. “Two names for the same thing... That's just dumb.”

* * *

Given that they were knee-deep in yet another of Rigel’s very numerous swamps, Kamui was both baffled and alarmed at the appearance of a solid cave that seemed to defy any sort of geographical logic. Its gray walls rose ahead of them not far from the sunken marshland, and as they approached, he could see the floor of its mouth was sturdy rock, no sign of dampness to it despite their wet surroundings.

The whole of the army let out a collective groan at the sight of it, because each of them knew exactly what was about to happen. Sure enough, their leader whirled around to face them, a look of pure delight on her face.

“Just imagine all the secrets waiting underground for us to uncover,” Celica cried, clasping her hands together atop her breast. “Grand treasures, great battles, tales untold! Also, we’re running seriously short on funds, so if you guys want to get paid, you’re gonna follow me into those ruins. If the ancient Rigelians didn’t want people looting their shrines, maybe they shouldn’t have filled them with money.”

Genny raised her hand timidly. “Um, Celica?”

“Speak freely, sheep-child.”

“Working for a hedonistic dragon god doesn’t have many rules, but I think even Mila discourages grave-robbing. Can I sit this one out?”

Celica sighed. “I suppose that’s fine. After all the terrors you've killed, it’s not like you’re getting any stronger at this point. Anyone else need a breather?”

Nomah made a great show of moaning about his aches and pains, hunched over with one hand on his back. “It’s just a bit much for an old man,” he said. “You spry youths will have to go on without me, I’m afraid.”

“Wow, I’d actually forgotten you existed right up until this very moment,” Celica said. “Anyone else?”

The three Whitewings coughed politely and stepped back. “It’s not that we don’t want to help,” Palla said, “but you've basically been using us as Mogall meat-shields ever since we entered the swamps. We just need a little break.”

In the end, exactly ten of them ended up in the cave. Kamui spared a thought for the fact that it was _always_ exactly ten of them. Funny how that worked out.

Wandering down the narrow earthen corridors, it quickly became clear they were in the ruins of something man-made, or at least a natural structure that had been altered by human hands. The deeper they went, the more they found traces of primitive art etched on the walls, or broken shards of clay that might have been pottery, or fragments of some sort of small idol.

At last, after an indeterminate amount of time, they found themselves in the heart of the ruins, though they didn’t realize it right away. At first, they saw only a deep blackness seeping out of a room at the end of the tunnel. Taking a quick breath to steel herself, their leader ventured forth. 

The moment Celica stepped foot into the blackness, great wisps of light appeared, magically illuminating a wide open chamber. Its tall ceiling indicated they had gone very far underground indeed. This room, at least, was not primitive in the slightest. Intricate mosaics lined the walls and jeweled sarcophagi were placed around its center. Dust motes swam through the air, giving everything a hazy sort of quality.

Kamui didn’t know what exactly first drew his gaze to a still-dark corner of the chamber, just had the sense of a quick flash of light, and then he noticed a low buzzing sound. Without realizing it, he veered left as the rest of the group moved forward and found himself standing in front of...a really big rock.

It was impressive as far as rocks went, he guessed. Not that he had a lot to compare it with; he didn’t really make a habit of checking out rocks. But when he tried to look away, he felt a pulling sensation that he couldn’t really define, something alien urging him closer.

Shaking his head, he stepped back, feeling his mind clear a little as the noise faded away. He turned and saw the rest of the group already a ways off, but close enough he could still make out the bright red of Celica’s hair. 

“Hey, I think I got something,” he called.

He turned back to the rock and crouched down to get a better look. There were actually symbols etched into its surface, glyphs or runes of some sort. He’d never seen anything like it before. He reached out to clear off some of the grime to get a better look. 

As he brushed one gloved hand along the dusty surface of the stone, he heard movement behind him. He looked up to find Leon leaning over him, examining the stone with a vaguely curious look on his face. After a moment, Kamui asked, “What do you think?”

Leon hummed and stood back, hands on his hips. “I think you must have hit your head in the tunnel back there, Kamui, because that is the only explanation I can come up with for your fascination with this rock.”

“I dunno. I think it’s kind of impressive, as far as rocks go.”

“Rocks don’t go very far.”

One hand still on the surface of the stone, Kamui turned his neck to favor Leon with a skeptical look. “Okay, but have you ever seen-”

Suddenly, the buzzing was back, much louder than before. He winced and tried to cover his ears instinctively, only to realize he couldn't move his right hand, the one touching the rock. When he turned back to look, he saw the glyphs on its surface were glowing bright. And then the the light seemed to seep out of the carvings and onto the rock itself, then beyond, first swallowing his hand and then his arm. He watched with a sort of fascinated horror as it crept over his body, until it was too bright to see anything anymore-

-and then he was gone.

* * *

Kamui had woken up in some strange places before, but never anywhere like this. When he first came to and saw the bizarre, pitch-black sky above him, he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him. He sat up and blinked, but the image didn't fade. The great empty space was too close and too far at the same time, and it stretched around in a wide semicircle until it hit the ground somewhere far away. Everything beneath it seemed to be covered in a hazy dome, and everything within the dome might have passed for normal if you couldn't see beyond it.

It looked like a courtyard, though not one in Valentia. None of the materials or designs looked like the kind he'd ever seen in Zofia or Rigel. He stood up, and that was when he realized he'd been leaning against a really, _really_ big rock. He'd thought the one in the cavern was big, but this one was _huge,_ towering right into the sky. Without a lot of hope, he tried tapping the surface of the thing to see if it would reverse whatever mumbo jumbo had brought him here, but no luck. He didn't feel any of that pulling sensation from before.

He walked around the edge of the rock, ducking under a rope fence, to get a better look at his new surroundings. On the other side, there was a castle, standard fare. There was also a giant treehouse in front of it, and he couldn't think of a single explanation for that one. Way off in the distance, in the opposite direction, were fields, pastures, and springs, all clumped unusually close together. Stranger still were the huge mounds of glittering gems, and Kamui wondered what lapse of judgment led to such valuables being left unguarded in the open.

Also, there were just a lot of statues here. An unreasonable amount of statues. A certifiably insane number of statues. He walked up to one and checked the inscription at its base. _For Ryoma: because you weren't broken enough already,_ it read.

“Where the hell am I?” Kamui wondered out loud.

The whole place was dead-quiet. It was hard to tell from the alien sky, but something about the air made Kamui think it was early morning. For a lack of better options, he started toward the castle. At the very least, someone might be able to tell him where he was.

He was halfway up the steps when a clear, female voice called out to him.

“Wait, please! Who are you?” He looked to his right and saw a barefoot, white-haired woman in some extremely impractical armor descending the ladder of the treehouse. Strange appearances aside, she was a grown woman, and she played in a treehouse. Kamui had a great many questions.

When she ran over to greet him, he started with, “What is this place?”

“This is the Astral Plane,” the woman answered with a frown. “So your being here is kind of a big deal, you know. Who are you? How did you get here?”

“Wish I knew. Touched a shiny rock and the next thing I knew...” He waved his hands in a vague gesture, and the woman nodded happily as if that actually explained anything.

“And your name?”

Eh, he didn't see the harm in telling her the truth. She looked harmless...and even if she wasn't, he still had his sword at his side. “Kamui.”

He wasn't expecting the delighted squeal out of her mouth as she jumped up and down, clapping her hands with glee. “Wowee, really? Me too, me too! I never thought I'd meet someone with the same name as me!”

“That's, uh, great,” he said, kind of at a loss. “But I kinda need to get home-”

“I mean, I go by Corrin now, but my birth name was Kamui, and some of my siblings still call me that! How exciting! Are you from Hoshido, too, then?”

“Where now? No, I'm from – you ever heard of Valentia?”

“No. Is that the country you're from?”

“Nah, it's the name of the continent. I'm from an island off the coast of...” Kamui trailed off at the confused look on Corrin's face. “Something the matter?”

“Valentia's a what-now?”

“...A continent?”

She tilted her head. “What's a continent?”

“Uh. A really big landmass? Usually divided up into countries? I guess people debate what exactly makes a continent, but that covers the basics. How do you not know what a continent is? That's pretty basic geography.”

“Oh.” Corrin shrugged. “Well, I spent my childhood locked up in a tower in Nohr, so there's probably a lot I don't know.” She seemed remarkably okay with that disturbing fact, and Kamui might have pointed it out if she hadn't immediately started talking again. “Anyway, I'm sure you want to get home. Let me gather the others and see if we can figure something out! Here, why don't you go wait in the mess hall while I do that?”

She pointed to a run-down building closer to the big rock. Kamui scratched his head. “The mess hall? You don't meet in the castle?”

“Oh, the castle's really just for show,” Corrin replied. “You know, I'm not sure I've _ever_ been in there!”

“Where do you sleep?”

“Treehouse.”

Kamui had so, _so_ many questions. But Corrin was skipping off before he could voice any of them. Reluctantly, he set off for the mess hall, looking up at the strange, empty sky. He hoped whoever she'd gone to fetch could find him a way back home. Everything about this place made his skin crawl.

* * *

When Corrin started busting through the barracks at ass o'clock in the morning, Scarlet thought she did a damn fine job of keeping her anger in check. The little princess was waking up everyone for some mission that apparently couldn't wait until the light of day, and they all obediently filed out after her and headed for the mess. Scarlet fell in with the others like her at the back of the crowd, the seven of them used to sticking together in group settings.

“This is basically torture,” Izana pouted. “I need my beauty sleep! Corrin is committing war crimes! Call a tribunal!”

“Quit your hysterics,” Yukimura said crossly. “I'm sure Lady Corrin has her reasons.”

“At least one of us has faith in her,” Scarlet muttered.

Before long, the whole group found itself crammed into the mess, packed inside from wall to wall. Scarlet struggled to get a look at Corrin over by the counters, though she could hear excited whispers coming from the front of the crowd. Then the princess climbed on the counter (in her bare feet, too, because she was just the worst) and began to speak.

“Thank you all for your attention!” she called. “We're dealing with a little emergency this morning. So, apparently the rock in the middle of the square is a portal between dimensions.” That statement was mostly met with confused muttering and few outright laughs, but none of it dissuaded Corrin. She reached down and grabbed someone by the arm, and suddenly there was a stranger standing next to her, looking distinctly uncomfortable.

“This is Kamui, a traveler from a land called Valentia,” Corrin said.

And she probably said a lot more after that, but it might as well have been gibberish, because Scarlet stopped listening as soon as she heard the name. She nudged the shoulder of Reina, standing at her side, and the older woman glared.

“Watch it,” Reina warned.

“Did you hear that?” Scarlet whispered, oblivious to the threat. “You heard it, right?” She turned to the others in their group. “You all heard that, right?!”

“What are you talking about?” Reina said.

Scarlet broke into a grin. _“She said his name is Kamui.”_

The meeting went on for a while past that, though Yukimura was the only one of them who actually listened to what was going on. The rest were sidetracked by a sudden wonder.

“Just because he has the same name doesn't mean the curse won't work on him,” Flora said calmly.

“But it totally might!” Scarlet cried. “And we have to at least try, don't we?”

“You're jumping to conclusions. Who's to say this Kamui is any better than Corrin?”

Scarlet wasn't the only one to favor Flora with a deadpan look at that statement. “Flora, literally anyone is better than Corrin. I would go so far as to say _Jakob_ is better than Corrin. This guy, no matter who he is, can't be worse than Jakob.”

“I _like_ Jakob,” Flora said with a blush.

“And your opinion officially no longer counts, so let's move on.” Scarlet took advantage of the others' confusion and rubbed her hands together in glee. “Before we declare open season on this guy, let's set some ground rules: one, everyone gets a shot. You strike out, he shoots you down, you step out gracefully and let someone else have a go. Two, we're all in this together. You find a method that works, you share it! Don't be stingy! Three, not a _word_ of this to Corrin, you idiots hear me? This could be our only chance at getting laid, ever, so don't go messing it up!”

Gunter scoffed. “And I suppose you'll suggest it's only fair that _you_ get the first chance, having come up with this brilliant plan.”

“Naturally,” Scarlet said with a laugh. “Don't worry, old man. I'll make sure there's plenty left for you when I'm done with him. _I'm gonna have so much fun!”_ The others backed away at the disturbing look on her face as she continued to mutter under her breath.

“The girl is crazy, but the idea is sound,” Reina said with a smirk. “So how about it? Are you lot in?”

They all nodded, save Yukimura, who stormed off in a huff, and Izana, who thought for a moment and then shrugged. 

“I don't really get it, but it sounds like fun,” he said. “Count me in!”

“Well, then, let's just agree to let Scarlet have the first go at him. The rest of us can draw straws.”

Thus, a terrible plot was born.

* * *

The Hoshidans or Nohrians or whatever they were called were strange, but at least they were friendly, Kamui guessed. They were all pretty enthusiastic about finding him a way home. In the meantime, Corrin told him to relax and try to enjoy her castle. The grounds, she clarified, not the actual structure, because now that she thought about it, she wasn't actually sure it was safe to go inside. Something about pocket dimensions and astral planes and not messing with a good thing.

He kind of figured he'd just go back to the big rock and feel around for that weird sensation that had brought him here, but he never got the chance.

He'd barely made it out of the mess hall when suddenly there was a pair of slim arms around his neck and he felt someone push up against him from behind. Like, _really push up against him,_ they were practically grinding on his leg and probably wearing armor judging by the points in his back, and then one of the arms reached down and _grabbed him between the legs-_

With one quick motion, he shook off the hold, ducked, and sidestepped his attacker (or molester, more like, what the hell kind of world _was_ this?), drawing his sword and swearing under his breath. He was confused, but he didn't let his guard down, when he saw a young woman in spiky red armor staring at him with a disturbingly joyful look on her face.

“Holy shit, it worked!” she whooped. Then she took in his defensive posture and made a face. “What's _your_ problem?”

“My problem- what the hell was that?!” Kamui yelled. Corrin said these people were her friends, and Corrin was trying to help him. Unless it was all some sort of ploy to get his guard down, but there were at least forty of them and only one of him – if they wanted him out of the picture, they didn't exactly need a brilliant strategy to get there. So what the hell was this woman doing, going after him in broad daylight?

The woman licked her lips and gazed at him through half-lidded eyes. Kamui suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable. And violated. And unclean. 

“What do you think?” she said lowly. “The name's Scarlet. I've got a proposition for you...”

“Nope, no thanks,” Kamui said quickly, sheathing his sword and waving his hands in what he hoped was a very clear expression of disinterest. “I just wanna get home, so-”

She kept coming toward him, wiggling her hips as she walked, lips worked into a pout, and on the one hand, Kamui thought it was probably supposed to be enticing, but on the other, he was just _really fucking weirded out._

“You haven't even heard my offer,” she teased, biting her lip playfully.

“Lady, whatever you're selling, I can promise you I don't want it.”

She stopped in her tracks and frowned. Her expression immediately shifted into something comically annoyed, and she scratched her head awkwardly.

“This isn't going how I planned,” she admitted.

“You had a plan?” Kamui said, baffled. She shrugged.

“Well, I _am_ the one who made the rules, so I guess I gotta follow 'em. Worth one last effort, though, right?” She smirked, and before he could figure out what the hell that meant, she lunged at him.

He took off running, the red-clad devil hot on his trail.

* * *

On the bright side, Kamui thought he actually had a pretty good idea of the layout of Corrin's castle, after how much of it he'd just unintentionally explored. Scarlet was nothing if not persistent.

Ducked down below the cover of the wheat field he was currently hiding in, he panted as he tried to catch his breath. That had been a lot of running, and he still wasn't sure he'd lost her. He just figured this was a safe place to stop, since it gave him a surefire way to notice her coming. Sure enough, barely two minutes passed before he saw and heard the rustling of wheat in the distance. He crouched low to the ground, ready to take off again, before he heard the flapping of wings above his head.

He looked up to see, well, what looked like an unholy crossbreed of chicken and pegasus, and he was still deciding whether it was cute or horrifying when its rider leaned over and reached out her hand. She was an older woman, an impressive scar criss-crossing her face, and she smiled calmly at him.

“You look like you could use a hand,” she said. Kamui didn't get a chance to respond, because at that moment, Scarlet came bursting through the wheat stalks. Without hesitation, he grabbed the stranger's hand and she pulled him aboard her mount, sat him right behind her in the saddle. “Grab hold,” she warned him, and he put his arms around her waist just as she kicked her stirrups and set the beast taking off into the skies.

“Reina, you backstabbing bitch!” Scarlet yelled from below. Reina chuckled.

“You're the one who made the rules, Scarlet,” she called down lightly. Before Kamui could question that, she pulled the reins, and the beast went soaring higher and faster, away from the screaming woman below. The further they got from the ground, the more Kamui tightened his hold into something more like a death grip, and he realized with dismay that there was, in fact, something out there worse than necrodragons.

“I, uh, appreciate the save,” he muttered, trying not to look down. He closed his eyes, which helped. Marginally.

“Oh, it was my pleasure,” Reina said with a low laugh. “I feel like I should apologize for Scarlet. She's young and unruly.”

Those were not exactly the words Kamui would have used to describe her, but at that moment, he was having trouble articulating any thoughts past his stomach's acrobatics, so he just nodded and made a vague noise of assent.

“I don't blame you for your lack of interest,” Reina continued. “You seem like a man with more... _refined_ tastes.” Kamui's eyes snapped open as she took hold of one of the hands he had gripped around her midsection and attempted to move it somewhere quite a bit lower. Purely on instinct, he pulled both of his arms away wildly.

Which proved to be an extremely unwise decision, as he nearly went careening off the horrible flying chicken-monster and plummeting to a very squishy death, saved only by a last-minute grab at the thing's saddle. Reina turned her head and watched with a glint in her eyes as he struggled to right himself and also keep a generous distance from what was apparently another stranger with boundary issues. The trouble was that they were very high up, Kamui was still absolutely terrified and possibly had just peed himself a little, and there really wasn't a whole lot of space to be had between them in the saddle.

“How adorable,” Reina said, something unsettlingly sharp in her tone. Her smile took on a cruel twist and became almost sadistic.

Kamui actually meant to say something in response, but all that came out when he opened his mouth was a steady stream of, _“Let me down, let me down, let me down, letmedownletmedownletmedown-”_

Reina laughed and spun herself around in the saddle, hands only loosely balanced on her steed's back, which would admittedly have been pretty impressive if Kamui could look past his panic. She reached out to touch him, and again his questionable instincts took over. Without meaning to, hands still locked in a vice grip around the edge of the saddle, he kicked his leg up and over – and it connected into Reina's side.

She was still smiling when she went tumbling over the edge of the saddle.

He had a moment to wonder what the hell he'd just done, because Corrin probably wasn't gonna be so keen on helping him when she found out he'd turned one of her buddies into a pancake, even if it was just in self-defense because these people were all _insane_ (and then he realized it wouldn't matter because he had no idea how to land this damned monstrosity anyway), when he heard that low laugh again.

Mustering up the last reserves of his courage, he looked over the side of the flying fowl and saw Reina dangling in the air, one hand caught in the beast's stirrups. She looked up at him with half-lidded eyes and a pleased smile, face flushed. Kamui closed his eyes and whimpered, then lowered his hand in defeat. She took it and used his weight as leverage to pull herself back into the saddle, then urged the beast into a slow descent.

It landed with a soft flutter of wings, and Kamui did not dismount so much as fall off the stupid thing, feeling a strong urge to kiss the earth to show it how much he really did love it, it was such a _nice_ thing, the earth, it deserved only the best-

“If only you would direct some of that passion our way,” Reina teased from atop her mount. Kamui groaned.

“Please don't tell Corrin I almost got us both killed,” he muttered, looking back at her.

“Hm? Oh, I rather enjoyed that,” she said with a breathless sigh, gaze drifting off like she was remembering something particularly pleasant rather than a near-death experience.

Oh, gross.

“I'm just gonna go...somewhere that isn't here,” Kamui said, backing away slowly. She must have been out of it, because she made no move to stop him, didn't even respond.

He decided to head back to the mess. Maybe Corrin had found something by now.

* * *

Reina had left him somewhere on the outskirts of the grounds, and he realized pretty quickly that he had no idea where he was. As he wandered into a forest that seemed to pop up out of nowhere, he began to wonder if any of the laws of physics actually applied to this world, because he couldn't recall having seen all these trees around before, even from a distance.

Then he happened upon the waterfall at the base of a cliff that shouldn't exist, and he decided to stop thinking, because life was unfair and nothing made sense. Muttering under his breath, he made his way to the edge of the stream it ran into and sat down. He took off his shoes and rolled his pants up, then dipped his feet into the water, feeling sorry for himself. At least it was kind of peaceful here, the roar of the waterfall close to drowning out all the craziness.

He sighed and tilted his head back, looking around. Yea, he had to admit, this place wasn't that bad. Maybe he could just stay here for a while, relax on his own until Corrin figured out how to get him home and came to collect him.

It might have worked, had he not felt the urge to go look at the enthralling waterfall up close. Because as soon as he approached it, he realized he wasn't as alone as he thought.

Right in the middle of the downpour was a bald guy, buff as hell, standing still as a statue under what had to be freezing water, eyes closed and a look of intense concentration on his face.

“Why,” Kamui said.

The man's eyes snapped open and he stilled, gaze drifting over to Kamui and then nodding stiffly. He stepped out from beneath the falls and approached slowly, water dripping down his bare chest. Feeling too tired to run and also cautiously optimistic that he was unlikely to be molested by three strangers in a row, Kamui stayed where he was. 

As the guy trudged toward him in soaked-through pants, Kamui winced. It looked really uncomfortable. It was equally uncomfortable to look at, given the way they clung to his, uh, form, so he coughed politely and looked elsewhere.

“You are the traveler from another realm, Kamui,” the man said, a weird, formal lilt to his words. “I am Fuga. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

“Uh, sure,” Kamui said awkwardly. “Sorry to interrupt your...uh, whatever it was you were doing.”

“Meditating. A necessary practice for a sound mind and body.”

“Right.” It looked like a surefire way to catch a cold, but hey, to each their own. Kamui scratched his head and took a step back. “So, uh, it was nice meeting you, but I'm just gonna...”

“Please stay!” Fuga said, just a little too quickly for Kamui's liking. There was a pinched expression on his face that Kamui didn't trust, but then it smoothed out to a cool, inquisitive stare. “I mean to say, your weapon, your way of dress: it is all quite foreign to us. As fellow warriors, perhaps we might share techniques.”

Kamui kind of wanted to ask if techniques was a euphemism for something, but Fuga's expression looked honest enough. Also, there was a slowly dying part of his mind that desperately needed to believe things couldn't get worse.

“Yea, sure,” he said hesitantly. Fuga brightened at once and took a seat by the river, then patted the ground next to him. Kamui sat down, resting his sword on the ground next to him but still within reach. He wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but Fuga kept his hands to himself.

“You are a swordsman, yes?” Fuga said. “Your blade looks similar to the sort we use in my tribe and in Hoshido.”

Kamui found his interest piqued. “You a swordsman, too?” he asked.

“I am what is called a master at arms,” Fuga said. “I am skilled in the art of many weapons, the blade included.” He paused. “My tribe is also known for its wind magic, though I prefer the martial arts over the arcane.”

Kamui whistled in appreciation. “Sounds impressive. Never really understood the whole magic thing myself. How does that work?”

Fuga raised his brow in surprise, then smiled, looking pleased. “Our wind magic? We mostly use it to test outsiders who would set foot in our land. As they approach, we direct strong gusts of wind their way, whisking them back to the outskirts if they are not skilled enough to avoid our strikes.”

“That sounds extremely annoying and unnecessary,” Kamui pointed out. “And cheap. If you've got a whole tribe of warriors, couldn't you just test them the usual way? Knocking 'em around like ragdolls seems like it would just waste everyone's time.”

“It's a perfectly valid strategy!” Fuga protested. “We've never had any complaints before!”

“How many people have you used it on?”

Fuga paused. “Well, Corrin and her army are the only ones to have actually survived it.”

“It's a death trap?!”

“We take our borders very seriously,” Fuga said defensively. He started to go on about his tribe and the lands they occupied, meandering off into a discussion of fighting styles and training techniques that was actually pretty interesting, even if Kamui only followed about half of it.

Kamui had almost started to relax – and then he flinched at a sudden touch at his side. He looked down to see Fuga's hand right next to his, little finger creeping up to entwine with his own. Which was interesting, because he'd been sitting at least a foot away when the conversation started, and Kamui hadn't even noticed him moving. Man was subtle, Kamui had to give him that.

“What are you doing,” Kamui said tiredly.

“Winning your affections,” Fuga replied. Maybe not so subtle after all.

“You are not.” Kamui pointedly lifted his hand, then stood up. “Thanks for not grabbing my junk, I guess, and what exactly is my life now that _that's_ something that even needs to be said? Is this reality? It can't be. Nah, this is a nightmare. I _did_ hit my head back in the caves, and now I'm trapped in a prison of my mind's own making. What are you trying to tell me, mind? Where did I go wrong?”

“Um,” Fuga said eloquently. He stood as well, a confused look on his face. “Now, when you say I have failed to seduce you-”

“Oh, are we still doing that?”

“I thought I had followed all of the appropriate steps,” Fuga continued. He gestured up and down his own body. “I displayed my physical value, I expressed interest in your personage, I engaged you in mentally stimulating conversation... Ah! Gifts! I failed to offer you a token of interest! I can still-”

“Guy, no, just – just no.”

“I see,” Fuga said sadly. He paused. “In that case, perhaps we might fight for it?”

“Fight for – for _what?!”_

Fuga looked baffled by Kamui's bafflement, and that was just baffling. “Why, the right to bed you,” he said, as if it were a completely normal and not-insane suggestion.

Kamui took a deep breath. “Okay, first of all, I'm no slouch, but you _just_ called yourself a 'master at arms', and also look at yourself and then at me: does that really seem like a fair fight? Second, and more importantly, what would I even get if I won?”

Fuga blushed demurely and looked away. “I offer my own body in return.”

“I'm leaving,” Kamui said.

“Wait!” Fuga called at his retreating back. “We don't even have to fight! You can just have me!”

* * *

It took a while, but Kamui eventually found his way back to someplace he recognized, close enough to see the outline of the castle in the distance. He headed toward it, and by the time he was back at the center grounds, he'd only had to dodge Scarlet twice.

He snuck his way back into the mess hall, hoping to find Corrin, but it was deserted, save for one miserable-looking, shaggy-haired man in glasses who sat at a table leafing through a thick sheaf of papers. He looked up when he heard the door open, and he directed a very judgmental look at Kamui, which the latter thought was completely uncalled for.

“Oh, that's lovely,” the man said scornfully. “Been having a lot of fun, have you?”

Kamui self-consciously reached up and scratched his head, suddenly mindful of the fact that he probably looked a right mess. He didn't exactly have a mirror to look in, but after all that running around, he could guess at how wild his hair and clothes were by this point, plus the inevitable flush to his face.

“'S not exactly what I'd call fun,” he answered.

“Not enjoying the amorous pursuits of your many suitors, then?”

Hey, someone was finally acknowledging the crazy head-on! Maybe he could wring some answers out of this guy. Deciding someone who looked at him with _that_ much venom wasn't likely to try to jump his bones, Kamui sat down across from him and held out a hand. “Kamui,” he introduced himself.

“I'm aware,” the man replied, refusing to answer the handshake. “I am Yukimura, strategist to the late Queen Mikoto of Hoshido. Currently, I serve her daughter, Lady Corrin. Because if I left her in charge of the strategizing, I'm certain she would get the entire royal family killed. Also, Lord Ryoma threatened me with execution if I kept refusing.”

“Hey, that's great. So what you said before about suitors...”

“What about them?”

Might as well jump in full keel. “Am I, like, the pinnacle of attractiveness here or something?”

Yukimura gazed at him sidelong. “Don't flatter yourself.”

“Hey, I'm just trying to understand why they're so interested in _me._ I mean, they could totally do worse, but...”

“It's not really about you,” Yukimura said with a sigh. “It's just that you're not Corrin.”

“Yea, I'm not following. How does Corrin figure into this?”

Yukimura set down his papers neatly and pushed up his glasses, then twined his fingers together atop the table. “It's the curse, you see,” he said academically, and also crossly, because he was a cross sort of person.

“Wait, there's a curse now?”

“It's a peculiar curse that bars its sufferers from becoming too, shall we say, 'close' to anyone other than Lady Corrin. Or rather, as we've recently discovered, anyone not sharing her name.”

“That's stupid,” Kamui said.

“Yes, we agree-”

“No, I mean, it makes no sense. How is a curse like that even enforced?”

Yukimura looked vaguely affronted at being called out. “Magic, I suppose. Should one try to circumvent the curse, they are punished with a sort of psychic backlash and a warning voice in their mind, a reminder of their...purpose. The name of the one they are meant for.”

Kamui thought for a moment. “What if someone changes their name?”

“What?”

“What if someone changes their name to Kamui, or Corrin, or whatever?” He paused. “What if I change _my_ name? I'm not opposed to doing that.”

“It has been attempted,” Yukimura replied. “The results were not propitious. Corrin herself is proof of that, as are you. The curse is technically linked to her birth name. It remains in effect despite her going by Corrin now.”

Kamui narrowed his eyes. “But if they're all avoiding her anyway, how do you even know that?”

Yukimura winced. “Scarlet, ah, 'took one for the team', so to speak. She doesn't like to be reminded of it.”

“So is it just, like, _everyone_ here who's affected by it? Do I need to stay out of sight of her whole army?”

“Oh, no, of course not,” Yukimura said, waving his hand. “That would be silly. It's only a select group of individuals, most of whom you've already met. Scarlet, Reina, Fuga...”

Kamui snorted, then sighed in relief. “Guess I'm lucky I ran into you, then, huh?”

“Pardon?”

“Y'know, someone who isn't under the influence of the world's most pointlessly specific curse.”

Yukimura cleared his throat awkwardly. “Well, actually...”

“Gods dammit.”

“Don't jump to conclusions,” Yukimura said with a glare. “I have my dignity.” He paused. Then, red-faced and with a pained expression, he added, “Unless, of course, you're offering, in which case I have rather a lot of stress to work off-”

Kamui was out the door by the time he got that far, and Yukimura huffed in annoyance.

“Really! It was only a suggestion...”

* * *

Corrin. He needed to find Corrin. It sounded like it was her own personal harem that was intent on making his life as uncomfortable as possible, so she had to be able to stop them, right? Problem was, he had no idea where to start looking.

Treehouse, his mind supplied automatically. Right, that was where he'd first seen her. She said she even slept up there. Fortunately, it wasn't too far from the mess hall, and he made it over there without drawing any unwanted attention.

He climbed the ladder and knocked on the hatch set in the base of the floor, but there was no answer. He tried opening it, and to his surprise, it was unlocked, so he climbed inside.

The first thing he noticed was that the thing was definitely more 'house' than 'tree'. She had a whole damn apartment set up in here, and he spared a thought to wonder how the hell she even got all that heavy furniture up this far in the first place.

The second thing he noticed was the guy lounging on the bed, humming happily with a goofy smile on his face that only lit up brighter when he saw Kamui.

“Oh, hey, is it my turn already?!” the guy cheered, and Kamui nope'd right out of there.

He turned on his heel and was fully prepared to jump to the ground if it came to that, but as soon as he looked through the open hatch, he caught sight of Scarlet prowling around the base of the tree. Too slow, he jerked back, but she'd already seen him, and in seconds, she was climbing the ladder two rungs at a time.

 _Face Scarlet down there, get locked in with stranger up here,_ was the thought that ran through his mind, but his body didn't give him the luxury of picking his poison, and he slammed the hatch shut instinctively, then stood on top of it for good measure. It didn't take long before there were fists pounding at the wooden door, making the whole floor shake.

“Open up!” Scarlet's muffled voice cried out.

The man on the bed started giggling in possibly the most creepily childish manner Kamui had ever heard, and then he hopped to the floor, skipped over to the hatch, and crouched down.

“Here, let me handle this,” he said, swatting at Kamui's shins to get him to move.

“No way in hell,” Kamui answered. “You are _not_ opening that door.”

“Whaaaat? No, I got this, really!” When he realized Kamui had no intention of moving, the man pouted and looked away, arms crossed. “Well, fine, then. Guess Scarlet can have you.”

Meanwhile, the pounding on the floor only got louder, and Kamui was starting to wonder how long that door would hold. Feeling desperate, he chanced, “What exactly is your game plan here? How are you gonna stop her?”

“It's _my_ turn,” the guy said with an absurd amount of confidence, if that meant what Kamui thought it did. He remembered Reina mentioning the 'rules', and this sounded like it might be one of them.

The wood beneath his feet splintered.

“Shit, fine, whatever, she's all yours,” he said quickly, hopping off the hatch and running to the back of the room. His actual plan was to climb out the window while the two of them were distracted, but he stopped halfway through at the surprisingly cordial conversation between them.

“Izana? What are you doing up here? Where's-”

“You made the rules, Scarlet! You said it yourself: if he turns you down, you have to back off and let someone else have a chance. And it's my turn now, so get lost!”

There was some low muttering, and then a defeated sigh. “It's not my fault you guys are taking forever,” Scarlet groaned. “Well, fine. Good luck, I guess. Are you the last in line?”

“Pshaw, me? My luck would never let me down like that! Nope, there's still Flora, and then Gunter's last.”

“Hm. Got it.”

Kamui heard the hatch shut, and then he felt a tug on his scarf as he was yanked back through the window by the neck. He barely managed to land on his feet, which the other guy seemed to find pretty damn amusing.

“Hey now, where do you think you're going?” he said. “I totally saved your butt back there! Show some gratitude! I'm Izana, by the way.”

“I'm questioning all of my life choices,” Kamui replied.

Izana made a face. “Don't be a party pooper.”

“I've spent the entire day running away from horny, people-shaped caricatures who just really want to get into _my_ pants, specifically, for some reason,” Kamui noted. “It's not enjoyable. It's not fun. There is no party to be had.”

“There's _always_ a party to be had,” Izana replied. Kamui glared, and Izana shrugged. “Oh, _fine._ If it helps, _I_ don't want to get in your pants. I don't even _like_ your pants. They're so bland! What, did you get dressed in the dark this morning? And I think they'd be too big for me anyway. I have very slender hips.”

“That's not what-” Kamui sighed. Then he frowned. “...Hey, there's nothing wrong with my pants. And you're one to talk, dressed in _that_ get-up.”

“What? This is totally in style right now! I'm the one who creates style! I basically _am_ style! Wow, do you just not have any manners? Why does everyone else want you so bad?”

Kamui was actually happy to hear the insult, and he kind of hated himself for it. Terrible things were happening to his self-image today. “Yukimura said it's not about me. It's just that they _don't_ want Corrin.”

Izana tilted his head. “Eeeeeh...I mean, she's definitely worse than you. I'd rather stick my dick in a pool of piranhas, literally.”

“You mean figuratively.”

Izana fixed him with a serious stare. “I know what I said.” Then he brightened. “Anyway, I'd probably choose you over the piranhas, but if it's all the same, I have a different suggestion!”

“You people only ever have terrible suggestions,” Kamui said.

“Oh, hush. See, the seven of us have a little club going on here, sort of a support group for Corrin-victims. Only they're all real bad at the 'support' part, cause they won't stop ragging on my fabulous self, and let me tell you, Izana is getting real sick of their shit! So here's the deal: I let you hide in here for a while, and after, I get to tell everyone we fucked. Sound fair?”

“What the hell is the point of that?”

“So I can lord it over them, duh! They all think they can boss Izana around, well, they got another think coming! While they're all falling over each other trying to figure out how I did it, I get to sit back and enjoy the carnage. They'll never cross me again.”

Pride alone made Kamui consider saying no, but if he was lucky, he wouldn't even be here to witness the aftermath of that particular plot. It wasn't like he had a reputation to uphold here. And if he _wasn't_ lucky...he felt a sudden sense of dread at the idea that he might not have a way back home. He hadn't even considered it as a possibility before.

“Woa-ho-ho~” Izana said, sauntering back over to the bed and falling back with an amused grin. “You're looking a little peaky there, mister.”

“Just contemplating the futility of life,” Kamui said. “And confronting the possibility that this is what mine has become.”

“Scared about getting back home, huh?” Kamui looked at him in surprise, and Izana rolled his eyes. “Y'know, this isn't exactly home for _me_ either. I'm only here cause I forgot how to get back. I just figured if I stuck around long enough, we'd wind up back in Izumo at some point.”

Kamui narrowed his eyes. “You touched a shiny rock too?”

“The fuck? No, I heard Corrin built some bitchin' hot springs, so I hopped in a carriage and made my way over lickety-split! And now I'm stuck here. I wonder if peeps back home have realized I'm missing yet? The party scene's probably been a total letdown since I left. Oh, how I've failed my people...”

“What do you mean, 'your people'?”

“Oh, I'm the archduke of Izumo, basically just the best little neutral kingdom in all of whatever this land is called! Yep, that's me, Archduke Izana, descendant and mouthpiece of the gods, and also voted Best Hair of Izumo five years running!” Izana chirped proudly.

“That's, uh. That's great, buddy,” Kamui said. Privately, he could think of at least three people in Celica's army with nicer hair, but the guy just looked so pleased with himself...

“I also tell some _killer_ fortunes. Say, I could tell one for you right now! Maybe see about getting you home, you know?”

Before he could answer one way or the other, Izana shushed him, then closed his eyes and stilled, a serious expression coming over his face. Kamui didn't exactly have a lot experience with fortunetellers, but he wasn't expecting much. 

He found he was both impressed and disturbed by the unholy combination of sounds that came pouring out of Izana's mouth, which were somehow _too_ bizarre to have been formed completely at random.

“Siht-gnidaer-yllautca-uoy-era-yhw!” he said. “Srekcufrehtom-sesab-ym-derevoc-i!”

He opened his eyes. “Wow,” he said. “You're right fucked.”

“Oh, come on!” Kamui cried. “There's no way that actually meant something!”

“Are you doubting the great Izana? I'll have you know, my fortunes come with a 100 percent success rate! And I only make, like, half of them up!”

“Don't brag about that!”

“Hey, I'm just telling it like it is. All I see in your future is a whole lot of you crying. And not, like, cute, pretty tears. I'm talking big, ugly, snot-down-the-face, bawling-like-a-baby crying. Kinda gross, if you ask me.”

“Is this negging? Are you trying to neg me?”

“Puh- _leaze,_ like I need to-” Izana stopped suddenly. “Wait, what time is it? Ah, geez, Flora's gonna be here soon! Like, I was just gonna rub one out before she got here, but then you got me talking about Corrin, and now I'm just not feeling it. Totally dead down there, you know? Ugh, gotta make this believable...”

Kamui watched as Izana fell onto his back and proceeded to roll all over the bed like a creepy, man-shaped dog, until the sheets were mussed up. Then he reached up and tousled his own hair out of place (looking slightly pained for it), rubbed at his cheeks until they were red, and grinned. “How do I look?” he asked.

“Like a crazy person,” Kamui replied. “Which is to say: accurate.”

“No, I mean, do I look like I just had a real good time?” He paused. “To clarify, I am asking you if it appears as if I just had sex. Or, at the very least, if you would believe me were I to claim as such.”

“This place is so fucking weird.”

“I mean, you already look like shit, so we don't have to worry about that-”

There was a knock on the hatch door, and a polite, feminine voice called out, “Hello? Izana? Scarlet said you were up here.”

“That must be her!” Izana squealed. “Wish me luck!”

“No,” Kamui said.

* * *

Izana was happy to let Flora into the treehouse. Kamui had to admit he was impressed by the fact that she had managed to climb the ladder in the heels she was wearing, and also he was immensely relieved because he was pretty sure those heels would make it very easy to outrun her, should the need arise. And he figured it probably would.

“I see you've wasted no time,” Flora said, gaze flitting between Izana, Kamui, and the bed that Kamui was just now realizing almost certainly didn't belong to Izana, and if anything actually _had_ happened, he'd probably feel really guilty about it.

“Yup!” Izana chirped brightly. “I sure did have adult sexual relations! Boy, sex is fun! Good, ol' sex!”

“Please don't be crass,” Flora said, blushing lightly. “In any case, I do believe it's my turn, so if you'll excuse us...”

“Hey now, girl, don't do anything _I_ wouldn't do,” Izana laughed as he dropped down through the door. Kamui hoped she'd take that advice to heart. 

Flora only shook her head and made her way to the improbable kitchenette in the corner of the treehouse. She managed to scrounge up a tea set, tea leaves, and presumably clean water, but Kamui was beyond questioning this world. When she had finished preparing the drink, she poured it into two cups set out on the table. Then she took a seat and gestured for Kamui to do the same.

He comforted himself with the reminder that he could outrun her, and then he sat down. He wasn't touching that drink, though.

“It's only tea,” she said with a small frown. She reached over and switched their cups, taking a sip from the one she had originally given to him. Kamui decided he still wasn't chancing it, no matter how sad she looked about it.

“Sorry, but no,” he said.

“You watched me prepare it,” she pointed out. “You saw that I didn't put anything unusual in.”

“Lady, I'm in an astral plane where the sky is just an empty void and magic rocks pull dimensional switcheroos and nobody bats an eye at absurdly specific curses. How do I even know what constitutes unusual here? I'm not taking any chances.”

“So be it.”

She went back to drinking her tea, and he crossed his arms and sat awkwardly for a few minutes. Then he asked, “So, uh, what's your game plan here? The whole quiet thing is throwing me off. Are we just gonna sit here for a while, or do I need to be ready to run?”

“You're asking whether I intend to make any advances on you? I really feel as if I ought to,” she said sadly, head turned away. “For my own sake, if only to convince myself to abandon these useless feelings that only cause me pain...” She sighed dramatically. Kamui shifted uncomfortably.

“Um.”

“After all, I don't suppose he'll ever look my way...”

“Er.”

“And what's the point anyway? Cursed as I am, it's not as if I could ever really satisfy him, not the way he-”

“Stop!” Kamui groaned. “Okay, I get it, you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back. I don't...I don't understand how so many of my conversations end up like this. Listen, I know I don't always give off this impression, but I don't actually like listening to people talk about unrequited love. It's...it's depressing, is what it is.”

“I have often felt that way about life,” Flora said. She sipped her tea. “To answer your question, however, as to my intentions... To be honest, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing myself with the sort of man who would take advantage of a person like Izana.”

“...Yep, that's me. I am that kind of person. You definitely don't want me.”

“On the other hand...”

“No, stop, just count the one, who needs two hands?”

“...I am terribly lonely,” Flora said. “Outside, I may look cool as ice, but inside, I am ablaze.”

“Please don't elaborate.”

“You see, my story begins twenty years ago, in the frozen wastes of the Ice Tribe village...” And then she was just talking, and talking, and she sure did talk a lot, and he really only meant to close his eyes for a moment, but he'd been running around all day and he was apparently more exhausted than he'd thought, because one moment Flora was telling him about her inferiority complex and unrequited love, and the next he was drifting off into sleep.

He woke with a start, completely surprised to find himself in exactly the same place he'd been before, sitting at the table with a cup of tea in front of him. He looked up, blinking quickly, and realized Flora was still talking.

“And that's when my father said, 'No, Flora, you can't just solve all your problems with self-immolation. That's taking the easy way out! Gods, why can't you be more like your sister?' And so, here I am.”

“Bwuh?” Kamui said blearily.

“Oh, I agree,” Flora said, nodding vigorously. “He didn't know what he was talking about! Believe me, setting yourself on fire is _not_ easy without an accelerant, I've tried it before.” She smiled pleasantly. “You know, you're a very good listener, Kamui. I must apologize for my disparaging remarks earlier.”

“Uh,” he said.

“Perhaps I ought to listen as well as you, hm? You've made it quite clear that you're not interested in me, so I won't push the matter. I'm only glad we could spend a little time getting to know each other.”

“Thanks?” Kamui shook his head, thoughts starting to clear. “I wonder if Corrin's found me a way home yet...”

“Oh, you're looking for Corrin? She's been at the magic shop all morning, I think. It's not far from here. Here, let me give you the directions...”

* * *

Flora was surprisingly helpful, Kamui thought as he descended the ladder of the treehouse. And she didn't seem to have any ulterior motives, which was downright comforting. But it put him off his guard, and he wasn't nearly as careful as he should have been on his way to the magic shop.

He'd kept an eye out for Scarlet, sure, but he hadn't accounted for the skies. The only warning he got before Reina descended was a terrifying war cry, and then there was a huge shadow coming over his head.

He barely ducked and rolled out of the way before her plumed poultry-beast would have landed on him, and he only needed one look at her manic expression to know she wasn't playing around.

“It's been awhile!” she yelled. “Shall we try that again?”

He didn't answer. He jumped to his feet and he ran.

His first thought was to head for the crowded area near the mess hall, where he could duck between buildings for cover, limiting how close she could get as long as she was riding that mutant mount of hers. But as he got closer, he caught sight of Scarlet, and he realized the two of them were probably in on it together. Without thinking it through, he turned and ran in the opposite direction, only to end up in a wide, open area, no place to hide or take cover.

He looked up in dismay at the quickly approaching shadow in the air that had to have been Reina. He was so screwed, probably both literally and figuratively.

Then, he heard the sound of galloping hooves in the distance, and as Reina's figure became clearer, a rider on horseback appeared in the distance. Kamui ran in that direction, and the change slowed Reina just enough that he actually reached the rider before he was caught. The man in the saddle was old, a jagged scar running across the left side of his face.

“Damn you, Gunter!” Reina yelled from above, and Kamui swore. That was one of the names Izana had said, the last of the seven.

“Need a hand?” Gunter said smoothly.

“Oh no, I'm not falling for that again!” Kamui yelped.

The old man narrowed his eyes. “What-”

“Gunter!” He was interrupted by a frantic cry, Corrin rushing out into the field meet them. At the sight of her, Gunter's hands tightened around the reins of his horse, and Kamui got the impression he was seriously thinking about bolting – the flapping of wings indicated Reina had already done so. After a moment, Gunter sighed and loosened his hold, and Corrin bounded up to them with a relieved look.

“Oh, you found Kamui!” she said. “How did you know I was looking for him?”

“Ah, yes,” Gunter said awkwardly. “Yes, that is why I'm here. Looking for Kamui. For you, Lady Corrin. Not for any other reason. Indeed.”

“Bullshit!” Kamui yelled. “You just want to sully my virtue, like everyone else!” He winced. “Wait, that sounded really fucking stupid, let me try that again-”

“What are you talking about?” Corrin said, head tilted and a look of innocent curiosity on her face. “Has someone been bothering you? That's awful!”

Kamui stilled. “Wait...do you not know about any of this?” Behind Corrin, Gunter had his arms up, crossed in the shape of an X, shaking his head back and forth in a panic. Kamui laughed in relief. “You don't! You have no idea! They're doing all this behind your back!”

“I'm very confused,” Corrin said. “This is often the case, but it feels almost justified right now.”

“ _You're_ confused? I've spent the entire day running away from your insane curse posse, because apparently they're all just really desperate to get their dicks wet _on me_ , and _you're_ confused?”

Corrin gasped in surprise, then turned to Gunter. “Is this true?” she said.

“I just got here,” Gunter answered quickly, avoiding her gaze. “You'd have to ask the others.”

“It _is_ true,” Corrin concluded with a sad frown. “Gunter, I didn't know you were interested in men!”

“How is that your takeaway from all this?!” Kamui yelled. He was ignored.

Gunter coughed politely. “Yes, well, as the saying goes, milady...'Any port in a storm'.”

Kamui's shout of, “Port's closed, go home!” was drowned out by Corrin's cry of, “But what about _my_ port, Gunter?! You always said-!”

Kamui plugged his ears with his fingers and chanted, “Nope, nope, don't need to hear this, nope-” He started to walk away, but Corrin pulled on his arm.

“Oh, I'm so sorry,” she said miserably. “You must be so uncomfortable. Here, come with me, and I'll put a stop to all this.”

* * *

Corrin took Kamui back to the mess hall, which was now empty. No one approached them on the way over, though he caught sight of a few of his pursuers following in the distance. Apparently, Corrin was the antidote to their poison. Presently, the woman in question sat down at one of the tables and ran a hand through her hair, and when she looked up at him, she was close to tears.

“I'm really sorry about all of this,” she said. “I had no idea they would...I just never thought...”

She started to cry openly, and he didn't really know what to say. It was actually kind of pathetic to see her looking like that. He figured then if she could make it stop and find him a way home, he could just forget it had ever happened.

“Uh, listen-”

“I just don't understand!” she wailed. “Why don't they like me? I just want them to like me!”

Kamui narrowed his eyes. “Seriously,” he said.

“Y-you've only been here for, like, h-half a day, and they already l-love youuuuu!”

“What are you-”

“I t-try to talk to them all the time, a-and one time Scarlet even- but, but then they just kept avoiding me and they hate me and everyone knows it and _everyone hates meeeee!”_

“Please stop,” Kamui begged. It made her cry harder. For some reason, he felt like an ass.

“Why don't they like me?” she whined. Kamui sighed.

“Well, do _you_ like you?” he said lamely. She sniffled and looked up at him, then blew her nose on her cape. It was extremely disgusting. She took a deep breath to even out her sobs, and then she spoke.

“I try to be a good person,” Corrin said. “I'm nice to strangers, and I do my best to make everyone happy, and I'm very merciful except for with Shura but you have to understand that I _really wanted those boots,_ he's just an outlier, really, and they looked so _good_ on Azura-”

“Okay, okay,” Kamui cut her off. “It sounds like you're trying to be the best person you can be, and that's, uh, good for you. If you're happy, who cares what they think? Don't cry over what some idiots say about you.”

“They're not idiots,” Corrin protested.

 _No,_ Kamui thought, _they're actually more like psychopathic borderline rapists,_ but just from what he'd seen, this kid was in deep enough shit. If she was oblivious to her terrible surroundings, it seemed mean to bring them into focus. He tried his best to sound convincing when he said, “Well, they're idiots if they can't see the, uh, good in you. I guess. Just be yourself, that's all you need to worry about.”

“That's awful nice of you to say,” Corrin muttered. Then she brightened almost disturbingly quickly. “You're right! All I can do is be myself! And, well, I want my friends to be happy...”

No, no, he didn't like where this was going at all-

“...and if being with you instead of me is what makes them happy, then that's just something I'll have to accept. Please, treat them well, Kamui! They mean so much to me!”

“I don't want them!”

“You don't have to worry about my feelings, I'm really okay with this!”

_“That's not what's happening here!”_

Corrin stood and walked back to the mess hall doors, and then she called out loudly to her friends. “Guys, everything's okay now! We worked out an agreement, so everyone can be happy! Come on out, okay?”

Kamui jumped through the nearest window and ran. He could hear Corrin behind him, calling out, “He went that way! Good luck!”

* * *

In what seemed like only a matter of minutes, all seven of what were now Kamui's worst nightmares appeared, closing in on him from every corner of the grounds. He dodged Scarlet only to find himself facing Reina, turned around and evaded a grapple from Fuga, almost sidestepped clear into Gunter's arms, ducked low and nearly tripped on a wire trap set by Yukimura. Flora flitted around the outskirts of it all while Izana cheered them on.

Before long, they had him backed up against a wall, circling him like predators approaching their prey. At this point, Kamui thought they might have forgotten why they were after him in the first place, because the looks on their faces were way closer to murderous than amorous. 

“No escape this time,” Scarlet muttered. She stepped forward.

“I'm too young to die,” Kamui whispered. He closed his eyes, bracing for a blow, but no touch ever came, only a sharp whistling sound. He opened his eyes and saw a flurry of snow had been whipped up before him, closing in around his attackers. Flora stepped out of it, a calm look in her eyes.

“Go now,” she said sternly. At his blank stare, she bowed her head. “Please! I can only hold them off for so long.”

“But why?” he had to ask, even though he didn't particularly care. It just seemed like the thing to do.

“Because you listened to me,” she said. “You were kind. Allow me to repay that debt.”

From beyond the snowstorm, Kamui could hear the others.

“Flora!” Reina gasped. “Is this...is this the power of plot relevance?”

“Probably not,” Scarlet quipped.

“Most definitely not,” Gunter added.

“Define 'plot' and 'relevance',” Izana said.

“Go now!” Flora cried, and Kamui listened. He followed the only open path away from the chaos, and then he ran until his legs hurt, until he found himself in the center of the grounds. He ducked under the fence and stood before the damn rock that had brought him here and caused all his misery.

“Come on rock, send me home,” he begged, desperately pounding his fist against its surface. “Is this punishment for something I did wrong? I promise I'll be a better person! I'm sorry for abandoning my parents! I'll help Celica for free! I'll stop hitting on Leon! _Just send me home!”_

The face of the rock began to glow, the runes lighting up and it was such a beautiful sight that Kamui could have kissed it, and then the light began to expand over his body and the world fell away before his eyes-

* * *

“Oh.” Suddenly he was standing in front of Leon, who was looking at him with an expression of mild surprise. “You're back.”

The cave. He was back in the cave! The relief was so palpable, Kamui actually fell to his knees and started crying – big, ugly, snot-down-the-face, bawling-like-a-baby tears, and he didn't even care. He'd never been happier! Suddenly he just wanted a hug. But Leon would probably hit him for trying. Valbar, where was Valbar? Valbar was always good for a hug!

“What do you mean, you lost him?” That was Valbar's voice, approaching fast by the sound of his clanging armor. As soon as he was in view, Kamui leaped at him and attempted (unsuccessfully) to bury his face in his heavily armored chest. It hurt. He didn't care.

“Disregard that,” Leon said. “I found him.”

“What the hell happened?” Valbar said, patting Kamui's back awkwardly. He looked at Leon suspiciously. “Were you making fun of his pants again?”

“I honestly had nothing to do with it this time,” Leon replied.

“Just gimme a minute,” Kamui muttered. None of this made sense and they deserved explanations, but it felt like this had been going on for too long and he was just too tired for any of that. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and shook his head. “Let's just...let's just get out of here.”

Valbar shrugged. “Well, alright, then. It's about time for it anyway. Celica just set a bunch of undead on fire and stole some priceless relics, so she'll be ready to get back to tracking down Mila soon. We've still got a job to finish.”

“Oh. That.” Kamui sighed. “I dunno, I kind of lost all motivation to fight.”

Leon scoffed. “Oh, come on. So you had one scary experience with a magic rock. Don't _cry_ about it.”

Kamui shuddered. “No, you don't understand: whatever Duma's planning with this world, it can't be worse than the place I just saw.”

* * *

In a land far away, another group of unfortunate souls gathered for their regular meeting.

“And how are we all doing this week?” Say'ri asked her compatriots.

“Kill me,” Aversa moaned.

“Does anyone wanna debate my origin?” Priam offered.

“...” Emmeryn said.

Flavia sighed. “It's just, you'd think Robin would be a more common name...”

* * *

In another world, Tobin sneezed.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not apologizing.


End file.
